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Sunday, January 13, 2013

The Top 10 most Overpowered Catalog Heaven weapons (That nobody ever uses)

Hi, new place reviewer Theovert reporting in to home base. All systems go? Brilliant. Time to settle in with a cup of earl grey and write my first second (almost) place review:

THE TOP 10 MOST OVERPOWERED CATALOG HEAVEN WEAPONS
(that nobody ever uses)
I know, this isn't really a place review, it's more like a strategy guide, but I've had this idea sitting in the deep crevices of my messed up mind for a while and I've been wanting to get it out for a while.

NUMBER 10: THE TORMENTOR'S AXE
Seriously. Look at this thing. LOOK AT THIS THING. It's wicked in every way possible and pretty much an instant kill no matter how the heck you use it. Press E (default) for a forward twirl attack that you can mow people down with, and press Q for a spin attack similar to the Azure Periastron's special attack. This thing is one of the only weapons that can counter noobs who abuse the Ultimate Katana. I hate those kinds of people.


NUMBER 9: THE ROCKET-RIDE TECHNIQUE




I know, this one's a bit too obscene for this blog, but honestly, It looks more like that one scene from Dr. Strangelove where Major Kong rides the Atomic Bomb. This technique is easier to use than the traditional old "Jump and shoot backwards" trick used by many with the old Roman Candles (that actually use real explosions, not those fake ones you see in the Expo Rocket and junk like that). To do it, get Nuclear Arms and an old Roman Candle, equip and unequip Nuclear Arms as fast as you can so your arm glitches like mine, and equip the Roman Candle. I like to tick off Health Glitchers with this one because it can penetrate their unfair, invisible, metaphorical ForceFields they shouldn't even be using in the first place.


NUMBER 8: THE AXE OF UNDOING
One of the only Wal-Mart exclusives that was actually worth it, this tough puppie has the "Burn" effect seen in lots of newer weapons that damages whoever touches the giant battleaxe gradually for a few seconds. Wanna know what happens when you kill a guy with it?  He explodes. It's a great weapon to wield overall and will chop off one too many heads to put above your mantle.


NUMBER 7: RAYVENGE SWORD
It looks like Travis Touchdown's Beam Katana, except orange. No, you don't have to be an assassin to wield this handheld Weapon of Mass Destruction. Your first strike deals 27 points worth of damage, and not only that, it CHOPS YOUR VICTIM'S FREAKING ARMS OFF. Every other swing does a balanced 9 points. Effective against Health Glitchers, as they will be forced to reset once they realize nobody will be able to put them out of their misery. Wanna know what's really cruel? Chopping people's arms off and just leaving them to die. This sword is awesome in every way possible. However, kills with it don't give you KOs on the leaderboard for some strange reason, but it's still a pretty sweet weapon.


NUMBER 6: CANDY CANE LAUNCHER
Your soon to be unfathomable bloodlust.
A traditional christmas treat turned deadly, the Candy Cane Launcher lets you easily mow down unsuspecting chumps from a distance and clear rooms, Gingerbread Man style. It lets you sustain constant firepower on your target, which makes it useful against R Orb-ers and Artemis Bow-ers. Some of its downsides is that each individual shot does low damage, and it takes a few seconds to start up, but put those aside and you'll be exactly like the guy in the picture.



NUMBER 5: UNTIMELY CROSSBOW
At first glance, you're probably thinking "Oh, this is just another stupid halloween gear." That's why you deserve to be taken out with it. This crossbow does a good amount of damage, and wanna know what else it does? It shoots heat-seeking pumpkin arrows. I'm not kidding. Just send 4 of these at a poor sap and he'll be looking like a pincushion in no time. There's also a "Defensive mode" you can access by pressing X. When you use it, it makes about 10 of the arrows form a defensive orbit around your character. So people will naturally stay away from you now because you have deadly pumpkin arrows orbiting around you at 50 mph.

NUMBER 4: PHANTOM FALCHION
Man, the only good weapons seem to be the Wal-Mart exclusives. The Phantom Falchion is a pretty sweet sword that takes out chunk after chunk of enemy health per stab (yes you STAB your enemies with it). It's another "Double click for dash" kind of swords, where it doesn't make you lunge, it makes you fly at your enemies at 24 mph. It has a special sort of "Fire charge" where, if you don't succeed in killing your enemy, it can leave the "burn" effect on them (only if the sword is flaming). If you don't like how it looks, try the Heartbreaker (which is a valentine's day version of this sword). It's a pretty good weapon overall.

NUMBER 3: BRIGHTEYES' SPARKLING SHILLELAGH
On the outside, you'll look like an old man with a limp leg who needs a cane to walk. On the inside, you're a wise old sage who wants to smack whippersnappers with his cane. And now you can! Brighteyes' Sparkling Shillelagh does a good amount of damage, has an insanely fast attack speed, and makes people fly back sometimes when hit. Embrace the inner old man in you and go nuts. People will probably think you're a crazy Irish person wielding a sparkling cane, and when people start thinking that, you know you've done well.

NUMBER 2: FERMION BLADE
This one's been around for a while, and I bet you're thinking "This sword is lame, it looks stupid and doesn't have any cool animations!" Well, shut your yapper, this sword is more than meets the eye. First few slashes, it takes out a good chunk of your enemy's health and envelopes them in a laggy, ugly grey cloud of fire that'll lag the hell out of them if they're in first-person view AND slowly sap their health. And once they're dead, wanna know what happens? they ALSO explode. Just like the Axe of Undoing. However, you might wanna back off once they're dead to avoid blowing your right arm off and being rendered completely useless. Other than that, it's a pretty sweet rainbow sword.

And finally...

NUMBER 1: CRESCENDO: THE SOUL STEALER
Straight outta Dungeons & Dragons.
Forged in the deepest pits of Tartarus, this sucker will rack up the kills and the heads in no time. It has an insanely high base damage stat and its lunge is VERY deadly. When you attack someone with it, they float up in the air and instantly die in a flurry of dismembered parts and demonic red fire. Press Q to equip "Soul fire". Rack up 5 kills with your Soul Fire-blessed sword and you'll be able to unleash a devastating Soul Blast attack by pressing X. It's an extremely lethal and awesome-looking sword that should only be used by trained professionals. Trained professionals, or people who really like to kill other people, but want to look cool while doing it.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Adalinda's Alliance: Pretty sweet sword that gets more powerful when charged.
Hammer of Eternal Frost: Saps out health faster than you can say "It's cold!"
Illumina: I'm amazed this isn't used more often.
Darkheart: Likewise.
Telamonster: The Chaos Edge: Again, a sword with so many extra functions.
Skull Cane: I want to get off MR. BONE'S WILD RIDE!
Firey Dragon Axe: Instakill at its finest.

And that wraps up today's review. Goodnight, don't let the Seranoks bite.




10 comments:

  1. Too bad there aren't many nice places where you can duel with Gear.

    ReplyDelete
  2. why is this still popular holy jesus

    ReplyDelete
  3. this is stupid.

    I know better weapons than these

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the cloak of undying , you can hit them but they can't hit you

      Delete
    2. the point of this article was to discuss powerful weapons that "nobody ever uses", meaning that they're just as powerful as the overpowered, overused ones (expo rocket, etc) but they're underused in general

      Delete
    3. I don't think anyone uses the Carrot and that's a one-hit-kill weapon.

      Delete
  4. i think the sparkle time lump of coal is a 1 hit ko weapon...

    it came out of the unluckiest gift... sold for 13 bux... on fri. 13 of december and for 13 mins.

    ReplyDelete

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